Sunday, September 03, 2006

The Prodigal Whatever

She lives.

It's been a while since I've posted anything but y'all have definitely been on my mind. I just haven't really felt like posting.

Most of you have followed the events that lead up to my disappearance and I can tell you it has been very difficult. I have one foot in the presence and the other pulling out of the past. About 2 weeks ago, I decided to forgive them. Forgiveness is a funny thing. Once you've decided to forgive and stop hating, the emotions no longer have anything stuffing them down. So, they all came up. I thik the final purging was aobut a week ago Friday when I called my brother and sobbed for an hour. The poor guy didn't want to hang up the phone. He has trouble understanding why I'm crying so much because where I am is so much better and the potential for income and growth is so much greater. I lost my "family", I explain. I lost all that work and I was betrayed. I have to re-adjust to a different environment. Life goes on; it could be so much worse.

Adding to the stress of the past is the stress of the constant change where I am now. I do mean constant. When I started it was just one broker, myself, and two "assistants". One assistant became an agent and we brought on another agent and an office manager. Now, our office acquired a huge listing at one of Uptown's coolest lofts and with that we brought on about 5 more agents. The changes in themselves have brought me to tears as I try to just adjust. Our office manager bursts into tears also over the changes but we both seem to be troopers and keep moving forward.

Something else that's interesting is that we are an office of women. Our broker is a male and he's pretty much the only one. And thankfully we are all pretty cool women. I have a lot of fun with them; two of them have pulled me into their social circles and have included me in "girls night". Man, I haven't had one of those in a long time. It was really hard to connect with the girls in the office at my last place.

My sister flew down to visit me in August. It was the best time we have ever spent with one another and we are growing closer by leaps and bounds. I just wish we lived closer to one another!

I read Freebird's blog the other day. I hadn't been connected in so long that I logged on Wednesday and started reading about her "ex"; I was interrupted and couldn't finish it. Then on Thursday, I spent the day at the museum and while waiting for my entrance to Body Worlds, pulled her blog up on my blackberry. I had to get the rest of the story. Her story makes me think about what it is about women and our resolution. Cathy's story makes me feel the same way. We just keep going. But man, I'm ready for a break. Something that tells me that life gives back and rewards us for our dilligence. Is there a reward at the end for not taking all the hurt, anger and pain and just becoming a destructive bitch towards the ones who hurt us? Is there?

As I just mentioned, I saw Body Worlds on Thursday. It was really quite interesting and made me think about things. I'm so glad I'm not a smoker. I think the whole world should seet that exhibit. It takes about 2 1/2 hours to make it through if you get one of the audio thingies that talk you through it.

Ok, I think I'm caught up for now. I probably will start blogging again soon. I'm close to getting a digital camera and I have some sewing projects I want to post about.

Cheers, all.


Freebird said...

Glad you're back!

I'll be the first to say it's hard to forgive. I wish I could just let it go, forget it and move on because I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive him. We still have kids together and he's still a big a jerk as ever.

Sounds like you are in a better place and maybe you just need to focus on that. You're even making new friends and that's always a plus. I couldn't tell you the last time I made a new girlfriend.

I saw Body World several months ago. I'm glad I'm not a smoker too, but I'll never donate my body to anything like that though. Did you see how they positioned that woman's lower body in a pedaling position with her legs in the air. I though that was very poor taste. It bothered me.

A Girl From Texas said...

Hi, freebird. Yes, in your situation it would be difficult. If you have to continue to interact with someone who has hurt and betrayed you it's very difficult to move on. I don't know that I could have done it if I had to continue to interact with them.

I didn't care to much for the pedalling woman but I loved the one that was kneeling. She was actually so beautiful.

I am in a better place. My emotions are what I'm tripping over. It is so so difficult. It would be easier if I came on board under different circumstances.

Chris said...

She's alive! I've been checking back every day or two and I was starting to think you'd just given it up. Glad to see you're back.

Forgiveness is a funny thing. I generally don't let things bother me. I had an entire circle of friends, save one, turn on me. I made a conscious decision to just move on and leave them behind. I don't think about them or even consider them in my day to day life. I ran into some of them as the years passed and have pretty much let it be. If they were friendly, I was; if not, I just left it alone.

I guess forgiveness is not really an issue for me because they aren't an issue for me. I've moved on and they're not part of my life. So I guess I haven't forgiven them in the official sense, but I don't think about them either so I don't exactly lose any sleep over it.

Cathy said...

It's so nice to have you back and posting. You've said something here that really hit home with me and I'm going to use it in my post this morning.

I hope you soon have both feet in the present and are able to fully enjoy the new job and new family you are making there. Sounds like a wonderful opportunity for growth, both financially and emotionally.

Forgiveness comes in stages for me. Plus, just because I forgive someone something does not mean they will ever be my friend or that I have respect for them. Some of the things my ex has done I have forgiven. Somethings will never be forgiven, he was just to vicious and cruel toward our sons.

Funny thing is, the boys have Chris's attitude. They've moved on and left him behind. It's as if they have no need to forgive because they don't allow themselves to linger over what was done.

Maybe that is the difference between us men and women. Us women tend to linger longer.

Chris said...

That's certainly possible, Cathy. From my perspective, what's the point in lingering? What's done is done and either you can dwell on it or learn from it and move on.

Some of my past girlfriends have bemoaned the fact that I don't get jealous. I would tell them "Look, it's your choice to make. You can be with me or you can not be with me. I'm not going to throw a hissy fit and get all pissy if you make the decision to be with someone else. Just remember it's your decision and there is no turning back."

Some of them still don't understand, I think.

A Girl From Texas said...

I woke up and realized I hated them so much for what they did that I couldn't focus. So the only way I could let go of the hate was to forgive so I could move on. But it is not to be confused with friendship.

Just because I forgive someone doesn't mean i have to go back and be friends and make nice with them.

I forgave them for ME not for them.

Chris said...

Exactly! Forgiveness does not mean everything is square, it just means you're not holding onto a grudge.