I Am:A little sister and a big sister; a daughter and an aunt. A beacon to some, a friend to others, a rival to few. I am someone who holds a deep respect for the things that the human mind can accomplish, I value a hard lesson learned, and I take very little for granted. I am someone who treasures anything that helps me achieve happiness and personal freedom. I am someone who both appreciates and is enslaved by my independence. I fight depression; I can't help but see a silver lining. I am sometimes insecure. I am the Queen of Wands.
I WANT: sincere friendships and a true connection with a man. I want a house with a yard, hardwood floors, and a porch. I want a family. I want to know that it isn't too late to reach my full potential. I want to be able to paint and play the violin without feeling like it has to be perfect; to be able to do it all for the sheer pleasure of it. I want to be enough.
I WISH: for inner peace. I wish I could wipe away the past. I wish my little brother and I were closer. I wish I had an easier childhood.
I HATE: My mother. I haven't seen or spoken to her for almost six years. She stood between me and my siblings, between me and my father, between me and my friends and boyfriends. She undermined everything that offered me opportunity for personal growth and success. I hate that my parents tore into each other throughout my childhood.
I MISS: A certain child who was the daughter of a man I loved; I miss her father. I miss being 14. I miss West Texas. I miss my 944. I miss my drowsy doll.
I FEAR: Being misunderstood, dismissed and unworthy.
I HEAR: The music from Cathy's blog, my a/c, my own breath, Little Bear cleaning himself, cars outside my window.
I WONDER: How people see me. If I will be satisfied during the last moments of my life. I wonder what my cockatoo thinks most of the time. I wonder who I might have been in another life and if I'll recycle through again. I wonder what my pets do when I'm not around. I wonder how different my life would be if I had married the guy who proposed to me in college.
I REGRET: Having taken so long to move on from someone who betrayed me, giving my heart to men who didn't deserve it, taking the wrong job at Andersen Consulting, selling my 944. I regret having allowed myself to grow away from my younger brother.
I’M Not: A cold or insensitive person. I am not altruistic.
I DANCE: with Little Bear.
I SING:In the shower, when a song is stuck in my head, when i know the words. I sing to annoy a colleague.
I CRY:When I think about the dead ends I vested so much of myself into. I cry when I realize my life isn't anything I thought it would be. I cry when I watch Extreme Home Makeover. I cry when I hear the song Honey. I cry at the opera. I cry less often than I used to.
I AM NOT ALWAYS:As together and strong as some see me. I am not always optimistic.
I Make: The most out of my life. I make things happen. I make macaroni and cheese a lot.
I WRITE: To purge, to express myself, to try to be understood, to define myself and my universe.
I CONFUSE:Work relationships with friendships sometimes. I confuse weekdays with weekends sometimes.
I NEED: A man in my life who will take the time to know me and be patient enough to allow me to know him. I need loyalty from those to whom I am loyal.
I HAVE: so much to be thankful for.
I LOVE: Rainy days, Thanksgiving Day, sleeping in on Sundays, going to baseball games with my older brother, the man who owns our business, Little Bear, Musetta and Mimi (my pets), chocolate, a good laugh, my younger brother, sundresses and strappy high-heeled sandles, convertables, music, Sunday Brunch with friends, sincerity, a warm bath on a cold day, to sleep in a cold room under lots of blankets, sleeping with a man in the spoon position. I love someone whose name I will not say. I love flowers.
I SHOULD Let him go. Forgive my mother.