Sunday, September 18, 2005


Music: Shout - INXS
Mood: Angry/Depressed

Betrayal. Where do you begin to unravel the ball of emotions you feel when this happens? How do you explain why and how it's so painful. What is it exactly?

According to the dictionary: To be false or disloyal to

That's it? It seems so dry. There should be a special definition for when it's your best friend who betrays you?

It happened 12 years ago. I'm one of those who believe deeply in friendship and loyalty and even after she did it, I couldn't cast her out of my life. So I stuffed the hurt, and slowly distanced myself from her, then allowed it to rekindle. Then I tried to end it several years later but she wouldn't let it end. She wanted to stay friends at some level. I wrote her a letter over a year ago and told her I wanted to end it. She seemed ok with that, but showed back up about 8 months later. I stopped taking and returning her calls 6 months ago, she called on a different number today so I accidentally took her call. I agreed to meet her for dinner.

I decided to confront it head on this time. The Betrayal. It's been a gorilla in the middle of the room and once in a while was acknowledged but never I called it what it was. Betrayal. So this time I spelled it out. She took it well, but I could see pain behind her eyes. It didn't come near the pain I felt over the years.

So, I'm reliving it all over again. Every time I see her, every fucking time, I relive it. I feel the pain, the humility the depression. This is the last fucking time. I'm not reliving it again.

But I don't know how to put my finger on it and explain why it feels the way that it does. Why do I feel so humiliated. So small. Did my friend's friendship at the time feed something in me? Perhaps my self-worth? I can't explain it but humiliation is in there. And it's very strong. I hate her for being so fucking stupid and careless. And those are words I cannot say to her. I won't hurt her. Why? Because I love her. And maybe I'm even angry at myself for trusting her as much as I did.

So, now I'm back 12 years ago hurting over something I would really really like to forget. I need that bell to be unrung. I wish that of all the painful events that took place in my life, it wasn't that one. I had been through so much hell and she was the one thing in my life that I held trust in.

I wish I could find the words to describe my feelings. I can't find them. Pain and humility. Those are the only two words that seem to sum it up for me.

I hate you!

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